I was led to question whether I was seeking fellowship with Christ or simply proximity to His blessings. Ouch.

The latter causes a sort of reluctant service to God where we bargin with God about doing only what we must to remain blessed.

The former is being lost in the pursuit of God, utterly devoted in His service to the point where you are not negotiating with God about how little goodness and how much worldliness you can get away with. Instead, you are reckoning your life as not your own and are eager to give extravegantly, hilariously, ludicrously of all that you are. That is freedom!